Football is back! Well honestly, it really never left. Everyone is getting to training camp on time for the most part, and all that was missed were organized team activities (OTA’s).

So the only thing the owners and players really did over the last four months is give ESPN and the NFL Network programming. This is typically the slow time in sports, especially at Great American Ballpark. (Feel free to comment at will about Wrigley Field in response…)

So, with the NFL about to start playing and complaining about something, I thought I’d let this month be a subtle note to Mike Brown on what to expect this year from a number of different groups of people. A little do and do not if you will. Here we go:

DO: Expect Bengals fans to care more about their fantasy team than the Bengals themselves.

This should alert you, but probably won’t. The fans in this city are fed up. Years ago, the Washington Redskins offered you two number-one draft picks for Chad (then) Johnson, but instead you said no – and have now traded him for an undisclosed pick from Bill Belichik. You have also refused to trade Carson Palmer, who still holds value considering what other QB’s are going for presently, but more on that later. Now one of the league’s worst offenses from a year ago is down weapons; and thus far in free agency nothing has been done to improve your team (save you, Bruce Gradkowski). Way to lobby for season ticket purchases.

Will the Bengals even be worth watching this year?

DO NOT: Expect fans to sell out your stadium, at all this year.

Not once? Am I crazy? Maybe, but if Bengals fans do it, I call them crazy. Those in particular are the citizens of Hamilton County. Those lucky fans get to pay $36 million in property taxes this year for your stadium. (I should point out that those taxes are 16% of the Hamilton County tax budget, the highest burden by any county in the NFL by almost 14% FYI) And since they’ve been in that stadium that is giving it to them, your team has participated in two playoff games. You already have their money, don’t expect them to give you much more.

DO: Expect to be hated.

Your franchise was just named the worst in sports by two different bureaus. And they did consider Donald Sterling’s Los Angeles Clippers to still be a sports franchise. And your personality sucks. Congrats.

DO NOT: Expect players to be loyal to you, e.g. Carson Palmer.

For those who don’t understand how NFL contracts work, here is a quick summary: When players sign, top ones get a signing bonus upfront and some (but not most of the money in the contract) is guaranteed. And when I say some, it’s a percentage. Now if that player doesn’t perform up to their standards, or fights injuries, they can be released by the team, and the contract BOTH parties signed and committed to is null and void. Just ask Antwan Odom. Up until the latest collective bargaining agreement (CBA) players were not given full medical unless under contract. You said the other day “Carson signed a contract, he made a commitment, he gave his word.” What about yours to Antwan?

And save me “the players make so much money” line. They do because the average NFL career isn’t even five years. And over those five years, imagine your body going through 20 car accidents. Imagine trying to make a lifetime’s worth of salary in less than five years. You’d try to get the most you could to while you were able – that’s why they hold out in training camp and most die in their sixties.

DO: Expect to be last in the AFC North.

Pittsburgh and Baltimore are better than you are, and have been almost forever. And the Browns will probably be considerably better. Despite ending the year losing four straight, they won five games. That’s where I have your over/under this year. And those last four losses were with a rookie quarterback. He’s not a rookie anymore.

DO: Expect your fans to be happy with one thing: the fact you have to spend 99% of the salary cap.

To us that means you can’t keep screwing the fans by staying millions of dollars under the cap while we fund your stadium, fill it, buy $9 beers and ugly jerseys while you lose 10 games a year. (OK, the average is a hair under 10 the last five years.) And man, are those jerseys ugly. They look like a Tiger’s been shot with an elephant gun.

As the pre-season starts and the season wears on, I’m sure we all have a few suggestions (or complaints) for Mr. Brown. So have fun like I have and make your voice heard to this apathetic chief officer of the worst run sports franchise in America and comment below. Just try and keep it PG-13.