The great outdoors. Being one with nature. Out in the wilderness, and in the elements – “manning up” and taking on whatever comes our way. Campfires and tents, rock climbing and trails, fishing and going to the bathroom outside. Go ahead boys, have fun. Call me when you get back.

I loathe being stuck in some remote wilderness with so much vitriol that even if Brooklyn Decker bought me hiking boots to hike and camp at the Red River Gorge, I’d tell her “Have a good time! I’ll see you back at the air-conditioned hotel room in Lexington.” You know, the one with a shower and spotless throne.

The reason? Actually, there are several. (And these are in no particular order):

One: Sleeping outside, at most campgrounds. I can’t do it. I’ve tried on numerous occasions, especially in college – more than likely trying to spend time with a girl. After about four or so times of sleeping up to (and usually less than) three uncomfortable hours, I said “enough.”  (Or at least that’s the PG version of what I probably said.) And being forced to use nature as my personal bathroom? Great. I have enough problems dropping a deuce in a public place with an actual working toilet. How am I supposed to negotiate that act with a tree? No mattress, no roof and no bathroom equals no Willie.

Two: No showers, usually. I can’t stand myself without showering at least once a day, let alone you. Your pheromones aren’t going to do it for me. And I’m probably in a tent with you, which thrills me to death, especially after day two. Even your Axe body spray isn’t going to mask that dewy cow-musk that’s oozing out of your pores. And as far as the ladies go, not even Chanel can cover the smell of vinaigrette coming from your boots.

Three: Snakes. I’m going to be completely transparent about this: I’m terrified of them. If one slid across my keyboard right now, I’d faint. You’d find me unconscious on the floor next to my desk with foam seeping from my mouth like I had just been DDT’d by Jake Roberts – with a neatly placed Damien on my flaccid body. (Old-school WWF reference for you “rasslin” fans.)

Laugh and mock me all you want, but every one of you out there unafraid of these demons would jump like a 11-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert if you saw a spider the size of a nickel crawl up a drape in your house. Don’t even go there. I know you.

However, I do have one exception when it comes to outdoor sporting activities (no, not that one): rafting and canoeing. I love it – especially the rapids and the occasional “ca-brewing” trip.

For those of you who have never heard of “cabrewing,” it’s canoeing with beer – and is highly recommended. Just BE SAFE! Don’t be a jackass and get sloppy drunk and drown yourself. There are enough idiots out there proving natural selection (although I doubt you’re in the group if you’re reading this publication).

While a trip to the Colorado River or to the New and/or Gauley river in West Virginia are benchmarks for great rapid runs, there are some great local spots to have a great cabrewing “staycation.”

Dirk Morgan, Vice President of Morgan’s Canoe Livery

Here are a few that come highly recommended:

One spot that keeps coming back to me whenever I inquire is Morgan’s Canoe Livery in Fort Ancient, Ohio on the Little Miami River; and in Brookville, Indiana on the Whitewater River. In Fort Ancient, they offer areas to camp in tents and in Amish-built cabins (thank the good Lord). A canoe rental ranges from $25-$40 or they will shuttle your own canoe for $15 or kayak for $10. You can choose from a short, three-mile excursion, or opt for an 18-mile, all-day trek. Camping is $25 for a family of five, $9 for adult campers and $6 for children under the age of 16.

Similar camping accommodations are available at the Brookville location as well. The canoe rental is a bit more expensive in Indiana, from $30-$40 – but what did you expect? They’re Hoosiers. The Brookville location offers four different trips, compared to six in Ohio. You can travel from five to 16 miles depending on which option you choose. Visa and MasterCard accepted. You can find them here: http://www.morganscanoe.com/index.cfm

Another spot just 30 minutes from downtown is Whitewater Canoe Rental in Brookville. Whitewater offers a wider variety of water adventures. Their canoe trips are broken down by the hour. There are one and a half to three-hour trips available, or five to seven-hour trips on the Whitewater River. They also offer kayaks and rafts. It’s cheap, too – only $15 to $25 per person. Whitewater Canoe features five different camps, some of which are private with grills, picnic sites and yes, restrooms – with hot showers. (So you can leave the Axe spray at home. But please, bring deodorant.) Camping is $20-$36 for family sites, or $8-$15 per person for adult camping. Visa, MasterCard, American Express and Discover cards all accepted. Here’s a link to their site: http://www.whitewatercanoerental.com/index.asp

Finally, this may be my favorite spot: Green Acres Canoe & Kayak in Harrison, Ohio. They only offer two canoe trips: three and eight miles, respectively. Cost is $13-$18 a person for canoe or kayak rental. You can also tube for three miles for $10-$12, depending on size of the tube – or plunk down $15 for a raft. No cabins are available, but they do offer shelters for picnics. A large shelter that seats 50 is $50. A small shelter that seats 25 is – you guessed it – $25. Charcoal grills are included, and are available from 9:00AM to dusk. Plus, each guest receives a $.50 discount on their first game of miniature golf, also on the premises. Visa and MasterCard accepted. Here’s their website: http://www.greenacrescanoe.com/index.html

So, why is this option my favorite, you ask? (Especially since the other two seem to better cater to my ridiculous, woman-like needs?) Two words: Hollywood Casino. It’s literally just minutes away. So while you guys are cooking up hot dogs and setting up your tents, I’ll be at the craps table – clean-showered and wearing a suit, letting it ride.

I think you get me now.