“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head…”

…and you know how the rest of this goes.  If you do not, put your life completely on hold and watch “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.” Now.  Welcome to Earth, check out Mykonos.

It’s late November, so surely as it is becoming much colder in the Tri-State – and traffic around shopping destinations is increasingly more offensive – if you are like me, you have undoubtedly purchased exactly zero Christmas gifts for your loved ones.  It’s likely you are waiting until the last possible moment to tackle the yuletide machine that is holiday shopping.

Critics of this plan of action like to call it “procrastination.” I, on the other hand, call it “methodical.”  Getting all my shopping done on Christmas Eve with limited traffic, available parking and smaller checkout lines is a strategy I first employed years ago.  Add ear-buds and an iPod featuring Bing Crosby, Andrea Bocelli and Frank Sinatra (instead of Mariah Carey, 98 Degrees and Wham!) and you, my friends, have a nice little tradition of your own from now on.  In less than an hour I knock out what it takes the rest of my family over a month to accomplish.

Boom.  I’ll take a Basil-Hayden’s, on ice…if you can spare any.

In the time it took LeBron to tell America where he was taking his talents, I have finished every bit of my Christmas shopping and taken mine to the bar at Palomino’s.

It’s then that I ponder: what would make Cincinnati sports fans happier this festive season? Here’s my Holiday Wish List for Cincinnati Sports Fans. Let the fantasy commence.

Reds Fans

Despite the fact your team just got boat-raced in the National League Divisional Series by the Phillies, all in all you’ve only got a few things to ask for this Christmas.  You have a division championship. Your star first baseman is an MVP candidate.  They were third in all of baseball in defense and fourth in offense; first in the National League.

Things have gone well over the last year.  Walt Jocketty was named baseball’s Executive of the Year, and deservedly so.  Credit must be given to Bob Castellini as well, for bringing in Jocketty from St. Louis (where he won the honor twice previously).  The man understands what winning teams need; case in point: Scott Rolen. Jocketty picked up the veteran third baseman with little fanfare locally, and he proved to be one of the true leaders a young team needed.  For Reds fans, having a GM that understands how to build wining teams is invaluable, like getting Christmas presents in July, August and September.  It’s a big reason why football fans are so bitter about their Bengals. (More on that later)

I could go on and on about a number one starting pitcher or give the argument for a Paul Janish over a new shortstop (if they don’t resign Orlando Cabrera) or regurgitate some local radio garbage by giving hot stove talk some run on your monitor, but instead I’ll leave it up to the Reds’ version of Rudolph and let the man guide his sleigh without telling him what I think he should do.  You da man Walt…go to work.

I would challenge the Reds to up their scouting department.  I hear all the time about how the Yankees buy their championships.  I hear how difficult it is to compete with the Phillies or the Red Sox or Mets and Cubs in the open market because they’re outgunned monetarily.  The thing people fail to understand is that the cornerstone of the Yankees great run over the last fifteen years involved names like Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettite, Jorge Posada, Alfonso Soriano, and, of course, Derek Jeter.  What do they all have in common?  They were all drafted or signed first by the Yankees.

Go ask the Marlins or Devil Rays what it’s like competing year-in and year-out with limits on their payroll.  Heck, the Marlins won a World Series in 1997, and then proceeded to dump everyone because they couldn’t afford to re-sign any of them.  Of course, it took just six years for them to win their second world championship by rebuilding, through the draft.

The Reds have gotten better in this area over the last several years, but there’s still no comparison to the elite franchises we watch in October and November every year.  Joey Votto was drafted by Cincinnati in 2002 and has become a premier hitter in the league. Drew Stubbs, Jay Bruce and Paul Janish are nice players, but they’re not Evan Longoria, Robbie Cano or Buster Posey. Time will certainly tell with Mike Leake and Travis Wood if they were the right guys, but again, Walt has been the one pulling the trigger.

Want to see more trips to the post-season?  Draft better than Pittsburgh.

University of Cincinnati Fans

At this point I think fans would take anyone that’ll stay in town following any kind of marginal success with the football program.  Who would’ve thought Bearcat fans would reminisce warmly of a time when their head coach stayed for more than three years before bailing for a bigger program. 

Paging Rick Minter, paging Rick Minter…

To be honest and fair, they did have a coach who stayed and made the athletic program one of the elite. The problem is, I’m talking about the basketball team and the administration that ran his butt out of town.  (Tragically, it wasn’t because of his wardrobe.)

Fair or unfair, fans of the Bearcats – in both football and basketball – are starving for their programs to be labeled as one of the premier on the country. Sadly, they are far from it.  For as much success as Brian Kelly enjoyed at UC, as soon as he matched up against another top-ranked team from another conference, he got pummeled.  Florida took them to pound-town like they were playing their junior varsity squad in the Sugar Bowl.

As far as basketball goes, UC hasn’t been to the NCAA Tournament since 2005 and/or arguably relevant since 2004 under the aforementioned “stylish” head coach Bob Huggins.  At least now the ‘Cats don’t have a coach stumbling in front of police or punching cab drivers, right Nancy?

Bottom line: get coaches that bring in talent (i.e. any two-dozen programs across the country in either sport).  Don’t give me reasons and complaints why you can’t. You can.

Xavier Muskies Fans

Read just the last two lines of UC’s wish list.  Copy and paste.  Merry Christmas.

Bengals Fans

Oy vey.  What a giant mess we have here, again.  The wish list for the devoted followers of the orange and black should actually consist of subtractions, ridding themselves of problems that just don’t seem to go away.  While most of you ask for what all Bengals fans desire – the exit of owner and president Mike Brown – you’re just not going to get it.

He’s not hiring a GM, either – almost to spite you.  Sadly, I believe Cousin Eddie’s holding out for a management position.

So, what now?  What can you ask for that’s reasonable this Christmas? Try these suggestions:

First and foremost it’s time to move forward and look towards a future without Carson Palmer.  I wondered prior to this year’s draft how well the Bengals would not only scout college personnel, but their own as well.  If only they were able to assess what they needed by objectively critiquing the play of say, their star quarterback, and drafting one of the almost 30 that declared.

Carson has never been the same since Kimo von Oelhoffen fell into his knee.  Earlier this month Sports Illustrated’s Peter King compared him to Rick Ankiel when he pitched for the Cardinals.

That’s not good.

He hasn’t eclipsed a rating above 90 since 2006.  He’s also averaging almost one interception per game, versus just under one and a half touchdowns per game he’s throwing up.  That is not elite.  Not even close.

Marvin Lewis, it’s time to clock out.  We love you, but you’ve taken too many risks that have failed. As a result, the Bengals are still every bit the embarrassment they were when you took over.

Sure, you’re the reigning coach of the year and defending division champion, but you have yet to win a playoff game and the personnel decisions you’ve made through the draft in your eight years have been terrible.  It’s not all your fault, but as I stated earlier we have to live with Mike Brown like prisoners have to live with the warden: without permission.

To those think I’m being too cynical about coach Lewis, I give you these names:

Chris Perry.

Odell Thurman.

Chris Henry.

Kenny Irons.

Pat Sims.

Jerome Simpson.

Chase Coffman.

These are just a few names drafted in the first three rounds of Lewis’ tenure.  Some are long gone, some you’ve probably never heard of, some continue to disappoint.  Just like the franchise. Did you realize that of the 18 players drafted in 2004 and 2005, three remain on the team?  Did you know that from the 17 drafted in 2006 and 2007, the team released eight?  Of the ten players selected just two years ago in 2008, only one starts.  It’s time to start over.

It’s been 20 years since this wonderful city enjoyed a major championship.  Congrats to the Cyclones and all, but it didn’t exactly put this town on its ear.  Yet every January, February, March and November, Cincinnati sits idly by, watching parades in New York, St. Louis, Philadelphia, and New Orleans as fans drape their beloved teams with championship confetti.  There is no reason why it can’t be us cramming Fifth Street and hanging out of windows in the Carew Tower.

Make that #1 on my list.